There’s something on my mind. My head is full of stuff and I need to express it somehow before I lose it all. So this is gonna be me rambling. I think. It may not make sense. But I wanna say it. I need to say it. This moment needs to be saved, remembered and documented in some way. And I’m choosing to do it in words and share it with the world. So I’m sat here right now in my pj’s (my new pj’s might I add) in my room in my halls of residence at university. I am feeling the happiest I have felt for years. I have been receiving good news nearly every day for the last 10 days. I have just jumped around my room while listening to a bunch of my favourite songs and playlists because I feel so happy and proud I feel like I’m gonna burst. Also because… you know… I can and why the hell not. It’s allowed.
Let’s rewind shall we. To the year before. Oh boy. It’s 2018. I'm at college. I have a teacher who has vendetta against me making my life living hell. Turning me against a subject that have loved since I was 7 years old. To the point where I am scared to go to classes because I dont know what im going to be yelled at for this time. It could be anything. I am still kind of grieving the loss of my grandad from the year before and the anniversary has passed. I am failing in virtually everything. This makes me stressed. But then I have no motivation to sort it out because I’ve stopped caring. I dread getting up every morning knowing that it’s more of the same thing every day and I cant change my situation. I look forward to the weekend so I can stay in bed for as long as I can. I feel so alone and trapped inside my own head. The thoughts are eating away at every little good thing I have left. I am overthinking everything. I am depressed. I am anxious. I am having panic attacks pretty much daily. I am not able to sleep a night through without crying or waking up numerous times because of anxiety dreams or nightmares. I am borderline starving myself and making excuses for not eating and saying it’s a diet for my holiday. But then I end up bingeing on comfort food anyway to take the sadness away temporarily. I put on a brave face, a mask and a fake smile every single morning. I have spots and cystic acne on my face because of all the stress and because I am not able to look after myself properly because I don’t have the energy for it. I dont have a clue what true happiness feels like and I feel like I dont deserve to feel that ever again. I take pain killers in the hope they will fix the pain I have. I am in hell. Dying on the inside. I keep this all to myself because nobody understands and they think I’m doing it for attention because people have it so much worse than I do. I have thought about ending my own life and come dangerously close to doing it. Several times. I am struggling but have no idea where to start in getting my life back together and I have no idea what to do to make myself feel happy again. Fast forward. It’s 2019. I have escaped the place of hell from last year. I am at university. I have just achieved a 2:2 in Spanish in an exam that I took when I had just come down with the flu. I have achieved three 2:1’s in French in an exam and two pieces of coursework. I have surprised myself in what I can achieve. My expectations have changed. Maybe I’m not so stupid after all. I feel proud of myself. I am allowing myself to feel proud of what I have done. Which is a very new thing. I have managed to rise from rock bottom and rebuild my life. I have finally started a blog, something I have wanted to do for so long. I have just sent in a piece for a magazine that has been approved by the editor and it going to be published in the next month. I have friends beside me. And friends that are slightly further away from where I am geographically but still very close to my heart. I have passion again. Passion for writing. Passion for photography. Passion for travel. Passion for music. Passion for creating things. Passion in making people happy and making a difference. I have a job that I love, makes me happy and is rewarding even if it is tiring and challenging sometimes. I am living by myself and able to take care of myself. I have confidence. Even my family have noticed how much confidence I’ve gained and how much more mature I am now. I am talking on camera to over 2 thousand people every day which kinda blows my mind. I am smiling every day instead of crying every day. The negative thoughts don’t invade my mind anymore. I am able to sleep at night peacefully. I am eating properly again and have a happy relationship with food again, hello avocado and eggs on toast I am talking to you here specifically and salted caramel brownies and Vietnamese Pho. I am happy. I know that I deserve to feel happy now. I am present. I am grounded. I am settled. I am content. I am positive. My skin is glowing, it’s looking the best it has done for years. There is no more mask, in fact I go make-up free nearly every day now. Showing everyone my natural skin and I love it. I am starting to move on from my past. Move on from the trauma, look forward and move on from a very dark chapter of my life. Each day is no longer a chore and something to dread. But something to look forward to knowing that each day is an excuse to work hard to get closer to my new found goals, dreams and love for life again. I am independent again. I have motivation. I have ambitions. I have goals and dreams I want to pursue. There are no more fake smiles: Only genuine ones. I am recovering. I’m not all the way there yet. I’m not a perfect (I hate this word but it's all I can think of) or a finished article but I'm merely a work in progress getting stronger by the day. But I’m on the yellow brick road and I am so close to the emerald city. I have to keep going. I have come so far and I have no intention of turning back now. I can’t turn back now. And I am going to promise myself to never doubt myself ever again. I am so much stronger than I ever realised. I have so much to give this world, and I’m starting to realise that now. My time has come and I have to show everyone how brightly I can shine. I have been given a second chance from the universe. I have my life back. I fought the demons inside my head and I’m winning. I have no intention of wasting this second chance because not many people get them. So are you coming with me… It’s gonna be one hell of a ride.
5 Comments
Chlo Elisabeth
19/2/2019 00:03:53
Amazing read!! So proud of how far you’ve come, lovliest girl inside and out xxx
Reply
Jeremy
15/4/2019 03:30:05
Wow touched my toes the whole way through reading this. One day I hope our children get all your good looks. Stay curious Jade. 😉😉😉😉😉
Reply
Jeremy’s friend
15/4/2019 03:33:13
Omg Jeremy me too! Let’s all meet up soon love to meet the future kids!
Reply
Jeremy again
15/4/2019 03:35:04
I would love to honestly made me evening!! Ever thought about being adopted Leave a Reply. |
Blog postsHere you can find all my blog posts. Categories
All
|