Blog posts are becoming few and far between these days. And when I do sit down to write one they all seem to be life updates nowadays. But this update is a big one. A really big one. I still firmly believe that writing is my form of therapy, trust me the conventional form doesn’t work on me. I’ve tried twice now. And quoting the incredible Matt Haig here as I’ve just started reading his book: ‘words, spoken or written, are what connect us to the world’ and ‘words, just sometimes, can set us free’. I wholeheartedly agree with those quotes. So that’s why I’m choosing to tell you guys the biggest piece of news i’ve ever had to tell in the form of a written blog post. Because I get my words out best and be truly honest by writing them down, not saying them. And writing gives me a sense of detachment to process whats happening and the opportunity to be a bit poetic and metaphorical. I’m not gonna pass up on that am I. So here goes nothing….
After 5 long years. I finally have my answer. The answer that means that I haven’t been going crazy or being dramatic or making it all up or doing it for attention. It’s an answer I knew I needed to hear and in some ways wanted to hear because it would confirm my suspicions but that doesn’t make it any easier to take, understand and process now that I have it. Now it’s real and it has a name. There’s no going back now. It’s on my medical record forever indefinitely. Some of you will know exactly what I’m talking about here and will have guessed what’s coming. But anyone new around here will be like what the fuck is she on about. So let me explain. This answer that I now have is this: On March 10th 2020 I was officially diagnosed with Anxiety Disorder with panic attacks. I’ve been suffering with the symptoms of this for about 5 years now but for many reasons I could never get the courage together to go to the doctors to get help for it. This wasn’t helped by the lack of understanding or empathy shown from even my closest family within these 5 years. Repeatedly getting told to shut up, calm down, take a chill pill and snap out of it or that I have nothing to worry about being said to me frequently. It’s only recently I’ve found people that don’t dismiss me and my emotions and understand what I’m going through. Dealing with these symptoms, and now I know it’s a mental illness, has completely altered my life. I’ve felt pain and hurt like no other. But also found strength within me I never even knew I had or was capable of showing. Even when I felt at my lowest and weakest or like a failure. I’m the kind of girl who likes to just push through, be strong and carry on no matter what in life. I’m stubborn when I want to be as well. But these last few months, since September really, have been absolutely unbearable and several times I have lost all sense of myself and I didn't want to live anymore when it got really bad. Things just got too much for me to cope with. I realised that I couldn’t deal with this on my own anymore like I had done for the last 5 years on and off. I’d done all that I could to try and cope by myself; it wasn’t working and I needed something else external to help me. I knew that this was the time to finally do it and get myself sorted out. So that’s exactly what I did and what I am doing now. I’m a chronic over-sharer on instagram. I share everything. Some stuff I probably shouldn’t but people resonate with it so I keep doing it. And I have touched on my mental health numerous times and spoken about how I’m feeling or if I’ve had a panic attack and things like that. But whenever I did that and I said it was my anxiety, I was just guessing. It wasn’t an official thing. Since the age of 16 I’ve been researching various things because I knew deep in my gut something was wrong and the put 2 and 2 together that it could be anxiety that I was suffering with. But now it’s official. And I can actually say that it’s anxiety. I can’t tell you guys or even describe the relief that I feel now that I have an official diagnosis from a doctor. I know now that I wasn’t losing my head and that what I was feeling actually has a name and course of action attached to it to get me strong again. Getting someone to listen and to believe me was the biggest fear I had and it’s what stopped me getting help sooner. I had dreams of being sent away with nothing after trying to open up about it. But this time around I decided enough was enough. My best friend has been there for me throughout all of this, and I mean everything, and she said that they cant just send me away and to tell them absolutely everything even if it’s hard. So I trusted that judgment, took the advice and had some faith and oh my god I’m so glad I went now. For the first time properly I have felt listened to about this and not invalidated. It’s a feeling like no other. So where do I go from here. There’s still a long road ahead for me yet and I know that but this feels like a fucking massive step and I am so positive about that. So as a result of the diagnosis I have now been prescribed an antidepressant medication that I have to take every single day. Lowkey can’t believe I’m on antidepressants at age 20 but here we are, my brain just needs a little but of help so that’s what it’s getting. I’ve also been given a medicine that I can take as and when I feel the need to. PRN if we’re using the fancy term for it. So I can take this one before an exam or if I just feel anxious for whatever reason. I don’t wanna say what the meds are exactly because the last thing I need are people’s horror stories of them going wrong or being bad or whatever. I’m scared enough to start this journey as it is. But I’m gonna try them and see how I get on with them, if they dont work then we try something else. And keep trying until I find the right ones or one. I know the risks of medication and it’s one i’m prepared to take because the other methods just do not work for me, I’ve tried before anyone asks, and I’m desperate at this point now to just get better. So that’s what’s happened this week and what’s been happening lately with me. This is a long journey but now I’m firmly on the road and on my way to proper recovery I hope. I still have a lot to learn and a lot to process. I still dont understand a lot of it and my head is a little fried but I’ll get there in time. I don’t want to overwhelm myself too quickly. And I still have to face the potential side effects of my new medication. Eeeek. It really has begun now. You can expect more mental health related content to be coming your way in the future. Now I have my official diagnosis I feel I can talk about it more now, sounds silly I know but hey. But you guys are my family and I wanted to share with you what’s going on. I wanted to keep it to myself for a little while so I could process it and understand what I’m about to do. Baring in mind I’m doing all of this in secret. My family don’t even know that I’ve been to the doctors at all, let alone that I now have two prescriptions. I cant believe somehow that I’ve got away with it this far. Up until this point my best friend was the only one who knew entirely what I was doing/planning and she was the only person I called and left two long ass voicemail messages to say what had happened. I’m doing this alone so I just needed some time to process what’s happening before I went public. I hope you can all understand that. But now I feel is the right time to share it with you and I’m ready to. Because the stigma towards mental health and mental illness will only disappear if we talk about these things to normalise them so if I can help or contribute to that in anyway then me baring all is worth it. Some of you will think I’m mad for talking about something like this so publicly but all I wanna do is help people so if me sharing what I’m doing and going through helps even just one person then it’s all worth it. Thank you for all the love and support lately. I hope this explains some of where I’m at and why I’ve been absent across most of my socials for the last month or two. It really means the world to have you guys behind me and I hope you’ll stick around with me as I navigate this new territory. I’ll get there eventually. I’m still the same me, but I’ll hopefully be a better me and a healthier me soon. I cant wait to meet and discover that person. I love you all so much and I’ll see you soon, Love Jade xxx
Quinn
15/3/2020 11:35:41
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