I started writing this a few weeks ago when I was in the midst of an IBS flare up and none of my clothes would fit me. I wasn’t gonna publish it but I thought someone else may feel the same way and it might resonate with someone so I thought why not. So thats the context for ya. I’ve just added this lil paragraph in as I edit the post and finalise it. So keep reading to see what I'm on about with this post... Scroll through Instagram and what do you see? Beautiful girls and boys and everyone in between that in beautifully styled outfits looking like a million bucks. What you don’t see… an outfit photo on your feed of someone who is chronically ill in their pj’s or in joggers and a hoodie or just underwear looking somewhat dishevelled and feeling unhappy.
I do describe myself as a blogger and there are connotations and stereotypes that come with that. Like buying a lot of clothes (i do, do this), having perfectly shot and edited outfit pics (I try but probably fail here), and looking gorgeous in every single photograph on my feed. That last point is where the paradox appears. And you probably don’t know that it’s happening or that it exists. As much as you try to understand it, unless you’ve lived it it’s impossible to truly explain. This may not make sense to many of you out there but I’m hoping at least one person gets what i’m getting at here. I just need to get this out of my head to make sense of it and how I feel. Like right now as I write out this post I couldn’t be or feel any less glam or beautiful. I’m in the most oversized jumper I own and pj bottoms. Loose fitting clothing that either hides everything or is so big that it’s the only thing that fits me and goes over my massively bloated stomach. This morning for example: tried to out jeans on and they wouldn’t do up and they nearly broke. lol. Tried to put a decent outfit together but couldn’t because everything I tried on was too tight. I nearly broke down because of it. I have a closet full of beautiful clothes and in that moment for a second or two I hated all of it, I didn’t want any of it and I wanted it all gone, except for my pj’s. Caught sight of my reflection and my heart dropped to the floor and broke in two when I saw that my stomach looked like it was pregnant… AGAIN. It’s never ending. So the paradox in my head is this: how can I call myself a fashion blogger of sorts when most of the time these days I’m either wearing pj’s or joggers because that’s all that fits me… Thats what being a blogger but having a chronic illness does to me. It’s a paradox sometimes and I can’t get my head around it. I want to wear these cute outfits and get some kick ass content and up my game but I can’t because again I’m either wearing joggers or I’m house bound in my pj’s because none of my clothes fit me because my stomach is that bloated it looks pregnant. But as well, when I look like that not only do I not wanna wear clothes at all, I don’t want anyone to see me this way. I want people to know me as the one with the cool style and dress sense, not the one who lives in joggers and pj’s. So when I’m like this the last thing I wanna do is glam myself up and be photographed. Sometimes I scroll through insta and my best friend: comparison decides to show up. I see all these beautiful creatives looking incredible and I’m sat in bed in a hoodie because I cant do anything. It’s VILE. Literally the worst. it’s my own mind doing it to me but it’s easily done especially as I’m more fragile when I’m ill. So. This post is a dedication. A dedication to ANY blogger out there like me who is living with a chronic illness that is life-altering and does unpredictable and debilitating things to you that you cant always control. This post is for you. I see you. I understand your frustration. i’m living through it right now. The feeling that you aren’t good enough because you cant do anything proactive for your blog or instagram, in a fashion sense or content creating sense, because trying to put clothes on is too much of a struggle or impossible to do without crying. To the person in bed with aching muscles, the person with the unbearable pain, the person with the bloated stomach that looks enormous, to the person that feels inadequate. This post is for you. Trying to appear kick ass 24/7 isn’t always possible for people like us, or for anyone for that matter, but we try nonetheless. So don’t ever feel bad if you don’t always have content ready to go, if you can’t face trying to put clothes on because you hate all of it, if you cant get out of bed today because you don’t have the strength for it or if you need to take a social media break and just forget about it all. It’s totally cool. I get it. Been there done that several times and I will keep doing it because my illness isn’t going away anytime soon, or ever actually. Just hang in there. Keep trying. And when you do something special or cool make sure you document it somehow. But maybe, and this is an idea, try and document some of the shit parts too because I’m sure someone out there would really appreciate seeing it. It could turn someone’s day around knowing they aren’t alone. I know it would mean the world to me to see a post on my feed of someone’s ‘reality’ being like mine: literally looking homeless in the biggest hoodie known to woman or in pj’s. Maybe I should do that too sometime. Who knows? Anyways. If you got this far, thank you for reading my little brain dump / ramble. I just felt like sharing this with you all in case someone else feels the same and is like how can I say i’m one thing when most of the time I couldn’t be further from it. Yanno? If anyone does feel the same and wants to talk about it don’t hesitate to message me anytime. For now I’ll say bye and i’ll see you soon for another post. Love Jade xxx
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